YES , I HAVE DUG A HOLE FOR MYSELF !

Yes, I have dug a hole for myself.I took long years, days, weeks, months and years to dig it. Might be sometimes deliberately and sometimes unintentionally I have been digging it. Digging the hole where I have been finding myself in, had become a habit long back and now I realized that the more I do dig it the more I am putting myself in it. And now, I have realized that I should now seriously think of how to stop digging the hole.

First of all, did I need this digging? When I find; I had no job to do I start digging the hole. My mind although remained idle without finding a job to do I started loving to dig the hole as this digging of hole engaged me and gave me a safe place to engage my mind.But now I have started realizing that I am left alone in the hole. The hole is so private that nobody other than me knows its location. Nobody knows my address and also I have not been able to exactly locate its place.

Now being in the hole voluntarily  I have dissociated and disengaged myself from others. Now I am in a rut. I do not enjoy being in this hole, but now there is no escape. The hole has trapped me. Nobody could understand my plight as except me nobody sees the hole where I am in. I realize that something in me gets me to this trap, this freeze of mind or a jab which is so strong that I cannot get released from it in spite of my best effort and I feel helpless.

The hole initially looked very lucrative. It promised me some specialty of status. An elevation. A feeling to at the top of the world. An emotional condition, an exalted feeling that I am quite different from others and nobody in a race with me to surpass me. In the process, I am alone, all alone. Now the time has come for me to break away from the hole and start building a tunnel to get released from the hole.

Why did I start digging the hole? Is it the feeling of insecurity in me that others are more capable than me. Insecurity has got various hues and came to me various forms though job, relationship, self-image, and many more things. When I failed in my job promotions I thought that I had my own standards and I should not be compared to others. What others did was ill and what I believed was right, so I started digging the hole. When people advised mending my ways I did not accept. When people criticised I started demeaning my self. I did not have the self-worth to face the world and I dug a hole. Yes as comparing myself to others was burying me and the ground on which I stood slipped I preferred to raise walls around myself and I started digging a hole not to be taken notice by any.

So, enough is enough now, I have to climb out of the hole I have dug myself into and look for new ways to start life afresh.